I've struggled to find an adequate way to begin this. These are words I've always wanted to share, and yet, I never have. Not for shame or uncertainty or any such reason. I listen to those around me regularly get into what could be called 'heated' debates regarding their religious belief (or lack thereof). I, however, have never joined in, always just mutely smiling at both sides of the argument. I imagine many people wonder why this is, why is it that though I am always comfortable in asserting my belief, why does my talk end there?
Over time, as anyone could tell you, there are huge shifts in society and culture. Though the core aspects may remain vaguely intact, it's an obvious truth that time changes everything. Religion in the world went from Catholics charging believers a fee to get into heaven, to molesting their altar boys. Religion in our country went from itchy wool clothes early every Sunday morning to contemporary Wednesday night services with electric guitars and coffee cake. Corruption of our culture has removed what could be referred to as the fine layer of decency and unveiled a sort of chaotic, in your face, deviant kind of people. Many would say this is a loss of morality – I see it as more of a loss of concealment. It's not like sin is something new – remember Eve? There's always been sex, and there's always been, as much as your parents like to disagree, drugs (hello, Woodstock?).
How about religions changes, in me? It went from socialization as a child (Sunday school, bible camp) to socialization as a preteen (confirmation classes, youth group, 'mission' trips), to now.
The problem with religion, or I guess more specifically Christianity, is that the message is confusing. We are fed this image of a god that juxtaposes eternal damnation and unconditional love. We are supposed to simultaneously and at all times fear him, thank him, and love him. If I were god, I like to think the people I went through all this trouble to create would totally be stoked on me, not afraid. That's the corporal punishment bullshit into which some parents delve – parents who raise serial killers, or children who become adults that live very far away.
I guess now I should specifiy that I am in fact a believer. I fully, completely, and totally believe. I am a person of faith.
But the question I toy with the most is religion vs spirituality – what is the difference? I consider myself very spiritual, but religion itself baffles me. This is where I believe human/societal corruption has fucked up a good thing. The bible, I think, is great. A great book of stories. But I just can't bring myself to accept that a book written and rewritten by humans could be the “word of god”. Because, after all, humans are the whole problem. We're the ones fucking everything up here.
That is precisely why I dislike discussing my faith. My faith, like any relationship, is personal. It's between me, and God. No one else will “get” it, and they don't need to. Religion isn't a book or a set of fucking guidelines. Religion is looking at your life, the world, and praying to God that there's something out there better than this.
And that somehow, just somehow, there is purpose and meaning in this. In you.
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