fear

I've come to believe that the one thing you fear the most, is inevitable. Innately, you know it, which is why you fear it so deeply and consumingly. I feared losing the one I loved, despite my pure and deep faith in that love and in our care for one another, and I lost him. It's debatable whether I feared losing him because I knew I would, or if I lost him BECAUSE of that very fear. Then again, it's all the same. Every beginning leads you to the same end one way or another. 


Despite unhappy endings, there is a way of finding joy, always. It just may not be the joy you initially wished for. I'm happy with myself, because I love myself. I have always, and will always, love myself first and foremost. Maybe my arrogance itself is detrimental to my relationships with other people, but when I'm left alone, mourning my losses, it's myself I go to sleep with and myself I wake up to every morning. And how could I NOT make sure to make that relationship the most healthy, the one thriving the most?

Every day I feel myself grow and change. A few months ago, I was not doing that. Sometimes you get so caught up in the present, or the future, or just this meaningless bullshit, that the things that truly do matter get thrown to the side. In my relationship, I was so worked up every day about trivial matters. I ruined the future because I worried so much about it. That's an every day story, isn't it. People don't know how to live. The thing you cherish the most will always be destroyed, and it will always be your fault.

Do I miss you? God, I miss you. And speaking of God, He of anyone knows how much I loved you. Loved? Love. Love is eternal, I agree with you. It's just all in how you live after that love is gone, or how you change your love to go along with the weeks and weeks and months and years alone. There are other fish in the sea. I will go fishing. But I've never really felt much for the fish, a big blue whale ruined it all for me.\
I'm scared. I'm scared that I wont achieve the things I want so terribly. I'm scared I'll never love someone and have them love me back, perfect love and imperfect love all wrapped up together in the greatest little image. It sounds typical, a scorned 18 year old claiming they'll never love again. I just feel like so many things regarding that part of me are up in the air right now. I dont know who I am, 100% yet, do I? I could very well, deep down, be just like my mother. And if I am, I really will never love. I'm scared that my cold-heartedness is something I truly never will get away from. It's deep in me and hidden, but I push people away ridiculously. I seal myself away. And when I didn't, when I truly had faith and gave myself to someone, I was left. Everything, sometimes, is just simply not enough. What a bizzarely mind blowing notion.
The idea of him, you, with someone else, was totally horrible. But at the same time, I didn't mind so much. I feel like somehow, you'll always be a part of me. That means I'll be a part of you, too, somehow. I wish I could have the faith I once had, but I'm afraid that will never happen. Realistically, that's probably for the better.

Why, when you pull away, do they come back? But when you give your all, there's no one to receive it. Fucking humanity