something more than ink

For the past thirty minutes or so I've been perusing various websites trying to get see if I can find a picture representation of the vague idea I have in my head for my next tattoo, and I was flabbergasted to see how many damn terrible tattoos people get.
If you get stars on your hip you might as well kill yourself right now because I hate you. Or stars anywhere for that matter. I understand that tattoos are trendy and fashionable now, but I'm still a firm believer that if you get one it should have some sort of artistic talent behind it or meaning to you. If I have to see another tattoo of a goddamn dove I'm going to punch myself in the face. Tattoos are a painful, expensive, and FOREVER investment. If you're going to make the dive into that realm, which I by all means support, then at least make it something worth having in your life forever. People just don't know how to deal with commitment, even for something like that.
Of course I'm not being entirely holier than thou, my tattoo has no real meaning aside from I was stoked to get some flowers on my shoulder and eventually it will wrap over and go down my side. I chose pansies because they are pretty and my grandmother used to have a garden of them. I got it on my chest because I impulsively felt like it, which has proven to be very difficult to hide from my unknowing parents. I got it in North Carolina from a friend of a friend who is doing some fucking awesome work and I wanted to be a part of it.
In the end, I think tattoos are sweet and I'll probably get a couple more though I vow to not be too excessive with it. But if you're thinking about getting one, seriously, think hard. Don't be trendy and predictable about something like that. Tattooing is quickly becoming more prominent in society not as a sign of rebellion but as art - your body is the canvas. Decide on something beautiful, something meaningful.
Not some brass knuckles and a cupcake. SERIOUSLY.

is it seriously possible to be this happy?

brotherhood

 As I've grown older, I've developed a very important relationship with my brother. As kids we never got along, we went down different paths and had the regular sibling arguments. Nowadays I think of him as the only real relative I have, the others only family by name and shared DNA. He is the only one who ever gave thought to know me as a person.
Growing up we were like strangers. My brother is very secretive by nature and coming from a family that shares nothing I can't blame him. Our mother pushes us both away more than anything, especially as we grow older. It took him moving out and things getting worse at home for me to reach out to him, and it became one of the best decisions of my life. Friendship is wonderful and extremely rewarding, and when it's with your genuine family, I believe there is nothing stronger. I've always envied people who were close with their parents, and this is exactly why. It is such an amazing and deeply rooted bond.
That being said, I appreciate being able to grow to know my brother as a individual and not just as my brother. We are extremely different people, you could even say opposites, but he is a beautiful person. He is not perfect, and I am sad every day for the difficulties he must face, but he is so strong and I wish I could have half the honest strength of character he does.
To be honest I'm unsure what my real point of this is. Perhaps that, just because someone is different than you, they can still teach you so much about life and the kind of person you would love to be. To some people my brother and his lifestyle may be far from ideal, but any other person faced with half of what he has experienced would never be able to handle it with the grace and strength he has shown. For this I respect him incredibly.
Now that I'm the one living out of the house and my brother was forced to move home due to financial difficulties, I see my future ahead of me as something foreign and huge and as far away from the tiny sorrows of my family as can be. I am incredibly excited for it.
But I will never forget my big brother who taught me what real love and friendship is, in a time in my life where I thought it may not even exist. Without him I would not be the confident, honest person I am today. Without him I would not have the perseverance and drive to succeed, nor would I have encouragement when I feel that I am failing. My brother, my best friend. I love you.

oh, yeah....

I find myself thinking a lot, reminding myself, that I'm supposed to be having a blast.
I am always hearing older people, perhaps friends' parents, reminiscing about their days in college and grand adventures. And I look around at my life and I can't imagine what stories I'll be telling people about in ten years. 'Yes, darling, my first semester of college was craaaaaazy! I was still the same person I was three months before and I still spent most of my time reading alone or watching boys play video games, it was insane, those were the good days.'
In years where everything is supposed to be so different and exciting, I feel exactly the same.

Here's to the best years of our lives, ya'll. 

thinking

"The heaviest of burdens crushes us, we sink beneath it, it pins us to the ground. But in love poetry of every age, the woman longs to be weighed down by the man's body.The heaviest of burdens is therefore simultaneously an image of life's most intense fulfillment. The heavier the burden, the closer our lives come to the earth, the more real and truthful they become. Conversely, the absolute absence of burden causes man to be lighter than air, to soar into heights, take leave of the earth and his earthly being, and become only half real, his movements as free as they are insignificant. What then shall we choose? Weight or lightness?"

what do you see?

Note to Reader: Since this is a topic I personally feel very strongly about, it is hard for me to rationally lie down my argument without becoming heated. Thus I acknowledge that in parts some of this might be scattered, unnecessary, or particularly poorly written. Also it is 3:42am and I refuse to revise it in fear of deleting any passion I am currently feeling. Please tell me your opinions on this, I know it is a touchy subject but in my personal belief it should not be. It should not even be a topic in question at all, in my mind. I digress.

'You need to ask yourself the right questions. Has anything you've done made your life better?'
-American History X

Racism is, by definition, the belief that your race is inherently superior to others. Prejudice is an attitude or belief about something, which can or cannot be negative. While I believe that certain prejudices are inevitable, we all have our opinions, racism is an evil that is learned and built into our minds by society and our fucked up humanity. It bothers, disgusts, horrifies me that total racism can still exist to this day even in a society and world that is supposedly so advanced and intelligent. Is it really? It seems to me that we know less than we ever did, we just now have fancier means of communicating our bullshit.

Since being a 'racist' is such a social taboo nowadays, it's more closeted. However, it's so omnipresent that at times I feel suffocated by it. Even if you give shit a different name, it still looks and smells like shit. How many times in my life have I heard someone begin a statement with “I'm not racist” and then very clearly and distinctly make a completely racism-laden argument? To me, it just doesn't make sense. It just doesn't. It never has and it never will.
But even those of you who deem yourself so fucking forward-thinking, you're all simmering in it. You're all continuing it. Racism is ALWAYS going to exist as long as we allow it. Just as an example, one conversation I've heard commonly had is through many guy friends of mine discussing sexual partners of girls in question. They say they aren't racist, but if a girl has had sex with a black person that makes them automatically less attractive. How does that make sense? As long as we look at another person and see only their color, and give that color a negative connotation, we are never going to get anywhere. As long as we are acknowledging a difference nothing more than skin-deep, we have a problem.
Biologically, all humans are NINETY NINE POINT NINE PERCENT IDENTICAL. Our genetic makeup is the fucking same. Our differences are whats inside of us, inside our minds, not what is external. Our ethnicities are what build up any cultural differences that we have; you can have a white person born in any society and end up 'being' Asian, Jewish, French, African.
Therefore, what is the only thing separating us? The way we act. We can never be free if we always harbor these negative sentiments towards other human beings.

The way we are raised makes us who we are. The way we think makes us who we are. The way we handle our lives, makes us who we are. I believe that we all have the power to make ourselves better than what we are, we all have the tools within ourselves to become better than our environments. I accept that there are many obstacles that are nearly impossible to overcome, many horrors in lives that I can never begin to understand. But I believe that as long as we keep seeing ourselves as different and not accepting one another we can never have true equality amongst us. Why is it so hard? I don't understand.

I think things like Affirmative Action are only setting us back farther. It's making up for historical injustices that at this point in time shouldn't even be a part of the equation. One race shouldn't have the upper-hand by ANY means, whether it be unspoken or regulated by the government. If we acknowledge a difference in ourselves, we are CREATING the issue. True equality can only exist if we treat ourselves and each other as truly equal. If two people go for the same job or the same place in a college, they should get it ONLY by their accreditation and achievements, not by their color, no matter WHAT the color is. We should be who we are as INDIVIDUALS, not as a race.

I look in the mirror, and I see myself. I don't see a color, or a woman, or a label.

I see me.

What do you see?


After some more time spent pondering, I would also like to add that homophobia is pathetic. Another persons way of living has no effect on your own. If someone is a good human being, the question of the color of their skin or their sexual orientation should have no effect on your judgement of then. Who are YOU, who am I to judge another person? Especially on something so trite, something superficial? God bless the gays.
Also for all the Christian arguments, you can quote Leviticus 20:13 all you want ('If a man lies with a male as with a woman') and rant on about all this homosexuality being debauchery. But I will go so far out as to make the assumption your knowledge of not only the bible but of THAT VERY quote on which so many Christians base their hatred upon is nothing less than limited, and ask you, have you happened to have read Leviticus 19:19? No?
'You shall not sow your field with two different kinds of seed, nor shall you put on a garment made from two different materials.'
Not familiar with this? Well, go on shunning the homosexuals, but according to the bible you sitting there in your blended fabrics, you're going to hell too motherfucker.
And guess what? I believe in God too.

perspective

I remember the night I first knew he was someone I wanted to be with. And not just be with, REALLY be with. The precise moment when I realized I wanted every part of him every day, even the bad parts. I wanted to exist in his life and world and learn from him. It's a feeling that is somehow overwhelming, it makes the world both gigantic and simultaneously tiny. He's expanded my heart, and given me tunnel-vision. It's all a cliche and it's all cheesy, but he's my future.
This is how it happened, more or less. We were friends. We are still friends. He is younger than I am, I had just gotten out of a shitty relationship, so had he. There were so many reasons no. And yet, it was just right. Sometimes you meet another person, whether it be romantically or as a best friend, and despite any obstacles or potential problems, you just know within yourself that this is your path. I am happy every day. When I met him, I paid little attention. I am not the shy girl I was a few years ago, I am not the girl who scopes out each boy as a potential mate. I was just Being. As was he. We have mutual friends. We had fun in groups. We talked through electronic devices regularly. Then it stopped being regularly, and constantly. I moved to Richmond, I went out at night, I met new friends. I came home on weekends to work. We hung out. One night he swam in a pool and I sat at the edge, and when he surfaced for air, he smiled at me and placed his hand on the curve of my ankle while talking to me, and essentially from that moment on I was hooked.
One of the beautiful things about life is no matter how right you think you are or how much you believe in something, you can always be proved wrong. He did this for me about many of my ideas, especially about relationships with other people. He is someone I can be myself with and be happy every moment of the day. It is easy. It is right. He is understanding, and accepting, and listening. He does not tell me what to do. He is true. It makes me better, it fills me with pride.

One night we spent the night in his car because we had nowhere else to go. We talked for 6 hours straight. Our bodies were entangled and we were both drifting in and out of sleep, a comfortable and happy silence between us, and he whispered "I love you"
Never has it meant more, never could I have understood how powerful a statement that is.
I love you too.